Whats past is pass

its been a long time since i written something on this blog..

i just dont really know wat to say lately..

everything around me seemed different..

as the years gone by,everything changes...

first i'm away from my family..

second my relationship with my cousins is getting loose day by day..

third i'm losing the guy i liked..

and lastly i'm loosing my bestfriend..

wat a chaos..

i really miss my bestfriend..

i love him..

but not more than that..

i love him coz his my friend..

i want to msg him but i cant..

thinking of him makes me feeling harder and harder to get to him..

the last thing i msg to him was "mie! i rase lg baek if u xcall i or msg i lg.I think is the best.its the best not only for me but also for u.as a friend i still love u.i'm so sorry if i cant accept ur love"

that was the end..

till know i havent heard from him..

i'm blank..

know i'm facing all kinds of realities..

and its hard for me to face some of it..

It hurts when i kept thinking of it

How am i suppose to leave this all behind.My tears are turning into time.I cant leave without you.I cant breath without you.Seeing you with another person may make me look like i font care.But u cant see my heart bleeding.I can see through you eyes when you saw me that i saw u.I cant tell when your face changes.i can se you kept looking at my while your girlfriend busy playing with your hair.It hurts me seeing u with her.But what can i do.What i can see is the world crumble on me.The world is still spinning.And i'm still living.So i would not make this thing make me refuse to move on.I will move on.Moving on with the fear of being in love.This is because i'm starting to feel that everytime when i like that someone,i can feel that they would end up with someone else.

Eid 09.

Today as usual.i've got to get up for Kesatria.The one thing i hateed most is this subject so called Kesatria.Pakal je ade markah,if not,i dah ditch dah.Yela,wasting my time doing something that is not important.I rather do what i love most which is blogging,myspacing,tagging,facebook and friendster.Today also my heart started pounding.Because of what i dont really know.Maybe because i know that i'm going back to my hometown in 5 days time.pejam celik pejam celik daa nak habis puase.wohoo.It has been 4 week i didnt go home.So i miss my house very much.Rumah baru pulak tu.So i actually not expecting raye this year because this year alot of things changes.I just want to go home.This year i've lost many of my lost one's.The person that i've ever love is my grandmother.Losing her last month is hard for me.Thinking of her all the time makes me damn really sad.Everything i do reminds me of her.everytime i went into her room that she use to stay in,i can see her face smiling,i can see we're having breakfast togather,laugh and facing the hard days togather.I can feel her hands hugging me everyday before i go to school.Know i know she's in a better place now.I know god loves her more than me.Thats why God took her away from me.I miss her so much.If only i had another chance to see her again.

Can't Breathe Easy.

Cruel to the eye
I see the way he makes you smile
Cruel to the eye
Watching him hold what used to be mine

Why did I lie?
What did I walk away to find
Ooohhh - why 
oooh - why

I can't breathe easy
Can't sleep at night
Till you're by my side
No I can't breathe easy
I can't dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There's no air

Curse me inside
For every word that caused you to cry
Curse me inside

I won't forget, no I won't baby,
I don't know why (don't know why)
I left the one I was looking to find

Ooh - why
ooooh, why

Why

I can't breathe easy
Can't sleep at night
Till you're by my side
No I can't breathe easy
I can't dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There's no air

No I can't breathe easy
I can't dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There's no air

Out of my mind
Nothing makes sense anymore
I want you back in my life

That's all I'm breathing for

Ooooooohhhhh

Can't sleep at night
Till you're by my side

I can't breathe easy

I can't dream yet another dream
Without you lying next to me
There's no air

There's no air

My greatest fear.

Today in Bel120 class lecture,my lecturer given us a task where we have to tell infront of the whole class about what is our greatest fear.I told them that my greatest fear would be the fear of being away from my family.I kept thinking of them everyday.I am very close to my family.I'm always beside them untill now i have to go to college.I was scared and devastated at first.I dint show any expression on my face because i dont want them to be sad seeing me leaving especially my parents.Not being with them the whole day is like making me look as tho as i dont love them.I always kept thinking wat happen if there's someting going wrong over there and i'm not there?!I'm so fucking worrid.My friends may not understand how i feel.My roomie kept saying that they are not close with their parents.When i asked why,the answer is "don't know".What kind of a person that can say that they are not close to their family.Why not be close?Now it has been 4 weeks since i seen my family.I miss them so much.I cant wait to hug my parents,my brothers and sisters.I cant wait for September 17 to come.huhuhuhu.Damn happy.

Heartbreaker(i have to walk a way even tho i love you)

Have u ever feel that,when u see someone you like being with another person?to me it hurts.But what can is say right.I could just only see annd be happy for them.Maybe we are npt ment to be.I've wrote about this special someone before in this blog.I said that i liked him but its hard for me to express my feelings out to that one person.Now,i just have to let it all go.I have to forget him.I have to stop thinking about him.Everytime i hear that Yuna song "Oh Bulan" i would get sad coz that is the song that he sang to me.U're gonna remember me but i have to stop remembering you.It hurts me everytime i think of you.even tho i moved on,it's still hard to walk away.i make myself think that i can move on but i can't.I wish you the best.I dont care who you choose,i'm still happy for you.Someday i'm gonna find my true love maybe.When?I really don't know.My heart that had been opened for you before have been closed.I have to let you go even tho i don't want to.How i wish you can read my feelings when you see me.HOw i wish you know how much i Love you.My love for you have starting to fade away.Its starting to close.Its hard to have feelings for someone.Maybe i'm just imagening all of this by my own.How would i know if he like me back?hahaha.How stupid am i imagening all of these.(crying).I maybe jealous to see you with that girl,but i could only watch without doing anything.its sad to see,but what could i do?I could just watch with a huge scratch and a whole in my heart.I want to bee in love.I want to feel to be in love.I want to feel the hands that would wipe off my tears that are drooling from my eyes.I want the person who could love me for me.Not for someone else.i want to feel the hands that fits between my fingers.Do that guy exist?Is he here.(thinking and blur).On the other hand,i'm also scared.I'm scard if the person for me is cheating,just playing.What happen if we fight on some small stupid things?and the worst thing,What would happen if one of us decided to breakup or people say clash nowadays?

today my life still goes on like the usualls.i have to get up early for class.have to wear makeup and have to where those freaki'n high heels.imagine that i have to walk up the stairs to the 4th floor everyday wearing those high heels.my legs really hurts.today my mind kept on thinking about something.i cant get it off my head.i kept thinking about when am i gonna fell in love?when i'm gonna meet the right person for me?i sometimes got jealous to see those people with their soulmates and all.i've also seen people get heart broken coz of this love things.it made me feel that i should not be inlove but at the same time i want to be in love.i feel like i wanna be with the person who wanna be with me,who cares bout me,who i can hold hands with.i'm so freaking jealous.hishhhh.the second tought is that i dont wanna be in love is because u'll never know when the really loves u or just playing with you.but the other thing we girls should also should not judge guys.there's a reason for all of this,but i'm not sure what to say and why we should not judge guys.maybe because in the end the truth hurts or the opposite.sometimes i feel hate when seeing someone to be in love.help me doe.if u people have any ideas what i should do,do leave me a comment.i really appreciate it.

Maybe its me.

mcm mana nak cakap ya.Hati ini tak terkata.i tak tau nak buat apa lagi.everything i keep to myself.it's hard for me to say it out loud.this blog is the only place i boleh beritahu or cakap.i kalau cinta ini xsuka sangat menaruh banyak harapan.cinta ini membunuh ku.here it goes.i ada suke kat orang ini,but die xpernah perasan pun.if the perasan pun xkan dia nak bagi tahu yang dia suke i jugak kan.semua simpan dekat dalam hati.so,this guy ni budak kat college i.he's the same age as me.have soft skin,coklatie skin,clean cut and ada tahi lalat manis kat bawah matanya.masa orentasi,dia group ngan.everything we've done,we done it togather.everytime he see's me he would sing this song that i'm starting to love it right now.everytime i see him i become breathless.but,since after the orentation i seems to be avoiding him.i dunno why.but he dint stop from avoiding me.the saddess thing is that i ignored him when he sings me the song.there's this presentation i have to do where i have to observ MR.H class.it was his class.he came and sit right beside me but i ignored him.i knnow he was sitting beside him.then he started to sing that song.everythime he sings that song he expects me to look at him.but this time i dint look at him.even kawan dia cakap kat dia "dah la wei.dia x denga".masa i dengar itu hati i tiba-tiba jadi sedih.everytime i denga lagu itu hati i jadi sayu.i selalu memikir tentang dia.but bila i fikir pulak,dia ada pikir tentang i ke?ke i sahaja yang macam tu.now my life is a blur.i'm just living at the back of my shadow.if only he dapat read my perasaan terhadap dia kat blog ini.i sayang sangat dia.maybe sebab itu ke i cuba avoid kan diri from him,untuk i melupakan dia ke?tell me.i really need help.when wrote this i cant stop crying.asking myself why does this happens.

Kay called me Yuna first.

Last time,in my group,we have been given a task by our Facilitator to create a Flag logo and a cheer.So okey,i as usuall only looking at what they r doing.In this one group we have been divide in to more.One group have to create a cheer and the other has to create a flag for the group.I was placed in a group that have to create a flag.there r rules in creating this flag.The name of this group must be a Superhero that you like.Our group choose NINJA TURTLE MALAYA.The flag that we have to draw must have the same significant to the name of the group.I was sitting quietly and drawing for fun while they are still talking and thinking about what the flag should look like.Suddenly,Kay,one of my group friends that i barely talk to ask me to layout my idea that i have drawn on a piece of cloth that they gave.They said that my drawing is good.But i was like silent for a moment.I was like saying R u serious??What happen if the drawing would be a disaster??One thing oabout my group,they are very supportiff and sporting.So i drew the flag logo.The group like it and the facilitator likes it.We got the second place for the best cheer ever.Its a simple cheer.Its not the kind of cheer where we have to flip people around or anything.hahahha.That would be preety crazy awkward.the second last day,we have been given another task.We have to create a gift or present as many as we can by using only the things that they gave us.A string,bottles,box.glue,mahjong paper and a few more stuff.So okey,we're sitting in circles,thinking what can we create as a memorable gift to our lovely Facilitator Abang AJ.Then,Kay decided with that piece of paper we could make a huge poster.We all agreed to his idea.Then he said,who knows how to draw?who is good in drawing.I kept silent.Praying to got that it would not be me.Then he shouted for Yuna.I was like FEWWW!!Thank god it wasnt me.Obviously i was searching for the person named Yuna but i can't seemed to find that particular person.Suddenly,Ieeya from across shouted,"la lala,buat muka innocent plak dia.You la Izzy!!".I was like what.My name is not Yuna.My name is Izzy.But the guys especially Kay keep on calling me Yuna.I ask him why,then he said he love it.Everytime i walk past by him he would sing that Yuna's song.He's so good looking and sweet and everytime he sings that song to me makes my heart melts.Everytime when he is with his friends and Kay saw me me,Kay would say to his friends,"Hey guys,this is Yuna".And his friends would say "Hey Yuna,nk kenal boleh".Bueekkkk only in my heart.But when Kay say Yuna i'm so happy to hear his voice.I've wanting to take his phone number but i dint have the time to do so.So to days ago,before i got back to my hometown,in the classroom we have to introduced ourselves to others in english.So okey,i did my part.Then the lecturer ask the students if they have any questions for me.Kay was the first one to ask,"who did your hair,Its very pretty"my face blushed.He aslo shouted and said that my name is Yuna not Izzy.At the end of the day,we were all about to get out the class ant take a bus to go back to our hometown,Kay keeps on calling my name and then he would hide his face.We all stand up to get out.The last thing i heard from him is that was singing the song that he always sing to me which is Yuna's song "DAN SEBENARNYA CINTA"while looking into my eyes before he got out first.That was the last time and the last day i heard from him.I wish to see him again soon in college.Hmmmm...

My First Interview and embaressment

Last month i had a job interview at Clark Hatch.My palms was sweatty and i was shivering like damn.My heart was beating very fast and it becomes more faster when she called one of the other interviewers.I was so hoping that the person who wanted to interview me is a women not a guy coz if it is a guy,i would break into a million pieces.For me is very hard to talk to the person that i never knew.My appointment interview was at 11.00 am.I got there,the receptionist hand me 2 pieces of form for to fill it in.After that,i've waited for about an hour for my turn.One by one enter the office.It was less then 10 minutes they entered the office and came out.Then it was my turn.My heart was pounding as fast as it could.I could barely breath.My sister ask me to chill down but i dint say a word.When i got into the first room,there were about 5 people.I thought they were the interviewers.I freak out for a moment in the inside but i ignored it totally after a few seconds.I do my part as usual,trying to be polite.I said 'good morning' and they answered it  back.So i stand infront of their desk.Sudennly one of the worker told me that this wasn't the bosses room.There was another room on the other side.I said sorry and i laugh and they laugh to.In my heart i was saying 'god,what an embaressment i had made out of myself'.So made a fake smile and went into the actual room.I said good morning again in a soft way.She stood up and we shaked hands.Some of the questions that she asked me was where do i live?Can i work shif's?How do i travel here?What courses that i wanted to take for my further studies?Do i exercise often?What is TESL?Less than 5 minutes i'm out of the office.She told me that in a couple of days she would call me and tell me if i get the job.Till now i haven't receive any phone calls or what.I was the one that have been calling them.The receptionist told me to call her on monday 5th Jan 2009 so that she could reply back my questions.So till now i'm still waiting for their answers and i hope that i'll get the job.